Five days a week I sit in front of a keyboard, pounding on it like some sort of gorilla trying to squash a coconut so it can suck on the tasty delight of nature’s candy. I don’t think gorillas eat coconuts though, I mean; they might if coconuts were indigenous to their region in Africa, but I don’t think they are. I guess I could go look that up on Google. Maybe zookeepers throw coconuts in their pen, and that’s how they get the coconuts. Anyway, this isn’t about gorillas or coconuts. This is about my weekday routine of hammering down on my keyboard like a madman so I can pay for things.
A couple years back my wife spent the money I made from thrashing on my keyboard to buy me an iPhone. It was very thoughtful. Several swear words later I finally figured out my way around the thing, and got to typing. And that’s when I saw it.
The ‘.com’ button.
“Holy shit,” I thought. “What is this magical button I see before me? You mean I can just hit this button after the domain and my website will appear?” I felt like one of those brats in Willy Wonka, who just laid eyes on the majestic chocolate river. I couldn’t keep my excitement; I had to visit every website at a lightning fast rate. I wanted to call Steve Jobs and thank him for this wonderful invention that had for too long eluded the greatest thinkers of this technological age of advancement.
That Monday I got to work and started my day. As I began typing in the URL of a website, I instinctively finished it off with the four strokes that I came to know so well.
I’d like to think you know where I’m going with this.
WHY THE FUCK DO THE KEYBOARDS OF TODAY NOT HAVE A FUCKING ‘.COM’ BUTTON????????
I didn’t realize that when they made the mold for keyboards that they decided it couldn’t be undone, like they were the fucking Ten Commandments. There are other inventions that fall into this category. Toasters of today don’t make toast any better, toilet paper isn’t any more soothing. Are there keyboards that exist today with the ‘.com’ button? Probably. Do they come with your new computer; do they sell them at Best Buy? No! You’re forced to type on the same piece of outdated shit they’ve had around for 30 years.
I’m going to do some quick math. I work roughly 40 hours a week. I probably type ‘.com’ 20 times a day. Of course my favorite sites auto appear, so I’m talking 20 websites a day that I visit that I don’t normally frequent. I estimate it takes me one second to type ‘.com’. So here we go:
- 20 websites/day * 1 second=20 seconds
- 5 days/week* 20 seconds=100 seconds
- 4 weeks/month*100 seconds=400 seconds
400 seconds a month are wasted on this menial task. That’s almost 7 minutes a month. 7 minutes may not sound like a lot, but let me tell you what I could do with an extra 7 minutes a month:
- Beat off
- Drink a beer
- Cut my fingernails
- Beat off
- Bake a cake
- Look up gorilla eating habits
Come on people. We can occupy the banks, we can protest higher taxes. How about we use some of that energy for the real problems this country faces…wasted valuable masturbating (and other things) time. I dream that one day, my children will effortlessly type in a new porn site, or gossip website and not be labored by the pains of typing three extra characters. I dream that regardless of color, creed or gender, we can no longer be slaves to this arduous process. I dream that one day, gorillas will be handed state of the art tools in which to crack open those coconuts, should one be thrown in to their pen. I have a dream.
My name is Ryan and I’m running for President.